How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 1/4: Basics

The starting situation:
You are in a monogamous (= sexually closed) romantic relationship. Both of you have never talked about whether you actually want to live sexually closed – it’s just the template which has been presented to you by your parents and most people around you since you were a child.

But then there are these fantasies which slip into your mind when you are masturbating or daydreaming out of boredom.

Being a woman in a straight romantic relationship:
You think one of your mutual male friends is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know how his dick looks like or how he would make you feel in a sexual situation.
Or you would like to try out another dick once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you think the new female friend of an acquaintance is quite hot.
Usually, you are not attracted to women, but she has pretty tits, and you wonder how they would look naked and how it would feel for you if you touched them with your hands.
Or you would like to try out sex with a woman just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Being a man in a straight romantic relationship:
You think a woman from your circle of acquaintances is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know, what she looks like naked or how her pussy would feel around your dick if you fucked her. Or you would like to try out another pussy once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you have masturbated together with some friends when you were in puberty. Women to have sex with were rare at the time, but masturbating with the guys felt weirdly good. How would you feel now if you did it again, but together with a woman this time? Or you would like to try sex with a man, just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Being a woman in a lesbian romantic relationship:
You think one of your mutual female friends is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know, what her pussy looks like or how she would make you feel in a sexual situation.
Or you would like to try out another pussy once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you think the new male friend of an acquaintance is quite hot.
Usually, you are not attracted to men, but he has a really aesthetic body, and you wonder what he would feel like as a biological dildo. Or you would like to try out sex with a man, just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Being a man in a gay romantic relationship:
You think a guy from your circle of acquaintances is hot and really sexy. Sometimes you would like to know how his dick looks like or how it would feel if you fucked him or got fucked by him. Or you would like to try out another dick once in a while, simply for the excitement of something new. Or you think the new female friend of an acquaintance is quite hot.
Usually, you are not attracted to women, but she has pretty tits, and you wonder how they look naked and how it would feel for you if you touched them with your hands.
Or you would like to try out sex with a woman, just to know how it feels and if you are into it like in your fantasies.

Whether you have straight, homosexual or bisexual fantasies or all of them at once, they have one thing in common: With relationship work and solution-oriented communication, all these sexual fantasies can be pursued in real life within a committed, loving and stable romantic relationship, without secrecy or “cheating”. This is a well-supported fact – regardless of what your friends, your acquaintances, your community, your parents or your relatives will think or might have to say about it. Their opinions matter not if they have no experience in this area (which they will – most probably – not have).

As a conclusion: You wish to pursue erotic experiences and casual sex with other people than your romantic partner. This pursuit is called swinging. Therefore swingers are people who wish to live the same fantasies as you – the pursuit of a sexual level inside AND outside of their existing romantic relationship(s).

But how do we do this as a couple?

  • Take some time for each other to talk about your relationship.
  • Describe your sexual fantasies to your partner.
  • Pay attention to the reactions of your partner.
  • Name the feelings you have when your partner tells you about his/her sexual fantasies.
  • If there are feelings like fear or confusion, talk about them too and look at possible causes.
  • Fantasize about erotic scenarios together.
  • Tell them to each other while actually having sex and use them to spice up your sex life.

At this point, the internalised unconscious patriarchal constructs of society play an important part: A popular beginner’s mistake is to mix-up romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling, caressing) pertaining to the romantic level (= intimacy scale Level 6) and sexual activities pertaining to the sexual level (= intimacy scale Level 3).

In order to avoid emotional turbulences, only carry out romantic activities between you, the romantic relationship partners. With other swingers, only exchange activities pertaining to the sexual level. If you come across other swingers who exchange romantic activities, they will usually be couples or polycules who also only do this amongst themselves – just like you.

“But then, casual sex sounds totally robotic and kind of cold – so swinging is about only touching other people at their genitals?!”

Well – no. A satisfying sexual level with someone else does (hopefully!) include more than genital stimulation by a person who is mostly acting like a robot. If you have come across a story of such a sexual situation or if you have actually experienced one, it was simply bad sex with a supposedly dumb or very inexperienced and insecure sexual partner.

With other swingers, you can enjoy giving and receiving sensuously erotic massages, opening up tense muscles on your whole body, petting, lustful touching,getting touched, dirty talk, exhibitionistic and voyeuristic situations and perhaps even some spanking. And we have not yet listed mutual masturbation, hand jobs, fingering, oral sex, fucking, sex toys, vibrators, etc. – and all of this in a group with another couple or several other people…

Admit it – you got aroused just by reading this description, right? 😉

“I can’t imagine having sex without kissing, really. Isn’t something missing somehow then?”

That is a typical example of patriarchal constructs hidden at the root of society. You believe – consciously or subconsciously – in the patriarchal construct called monogamy, the patriarchal construct called polyamory (which is a close-to-home modification of the construct called monogamy), or the patriarchal construct of the social role “woman” in general.

This is not your fault – these concepts have been displayed and taught to you by nearly every person around you since you were an infant. However, it’s now your responsibility to recognise and to deconstruct these concepts and to replace them with YOUR authentic and working concepts – as long as you really wish to pursue a sexually open relationship instead of being content with your sexually closed romantic relationship.

Keep in mind: Having casual sex is a natural and completely justified wish of every person, be it women, men or non-binary genders. You don’t need to have a crush or fall in love, love, cuddle or kiss a sexual partner, in order to enjoy any sexual experience with a new, strange person. Choose persons who you are comfortable with, to whom the principle of consent is natural and who treat you with respect. Allow yourself to enter a sexual level without romantic activities with him/her/them, just as it is depicted in the text above. You will experience that sex doesn’t need to be accompanied by any romantic activities in order to feel emotionally pleasant, lustful and satisfying.

“We are a couple and we think your recommendation to avoid romantic activities is bullshit. We would like to kiss and/or cuddle at least some of the nice people who we have sex with – not just each other.”

Sure, it is your choice whether you will pursue this recommendation. Obviously, this text can’t prevent you from doing whatever you wish to do. However, don’t be surprised by some follow-up effects: Romantic activities like kissing, smooching, cuddling or caressing will invariably activate subconscious longing for a mutually shared romantic level, for either one or most likely all persons involved.

Therefore, if you exchange romantic activities with other people than your romantic partner, your relationship will soon be suffering from strange feelings of insecurity and jealousy which you won’t be able to talk about in a reasonable way. If you exchange romantic activities while regularly having sex with acquaintances or friends, don’t be surprised if one of you develops a crush on one of them.

Keep in mind: The confusion of activities pertaining to the sexual level and the ones pertaining to the romantic level are the MAIN REASON why sexually open relationships fail or revert back to a sexually closed status – because they didn’t work as intended.

“We are a couple and are having discussions about our sexual fantasies. Why are there – all of a sudden – uncomfortable feelings and most of the time, we end up in an argument?”

If one’s romantic partner wishes to have sex with someone else, fear due to expected personal failure or to lose ones’ romantic partner can easily come up. That’s why it is so important to look for the causes which can often be found in the patriarchal constructs of society.

The patriarchal constructs called monogamy and polyamory both contain the same two lies:

  1. Desires and wishes at the sexual level and the romantic level are the same thing.
  2. If someone is sexually attracted to another person, a desire for intimacy at the romantic level will always be a part of this attraction.

Moreover, the patriarchal construct called monogamy adds the following lie:

As long as the romantic relationship is healthy for both persons involved, it is not possible to desire another person sexually.

All these statements are lies within a bigger patriarchal construct and thus completely false.

Therefore, if one’s romantic partner desires casual sex with someone else, it is NOT a guarantied outcome that:

  • he/she has a crush on or has fallen in love with someone else
  • he/she does not love you any more
  • he/she is no longer sexually interested in you

Nevertheless, and as a reason at the same time, you have to talk with each other about possible negative effects or feelings and your fears.

Because if your mutual sex life, your emotional intimacy or your romantic intimacy is not enough or even missing in your romantic relationship(s), the pursuit of a sexually open relationship is rather an escape from the conflicts than a solution for both of you. It will most probably even accelerate a separation which has already been an hidden issue under the carpet.

So, before pursuing your sexual fantasies in real life, talk with each other about what you can do to improve the sex life between just the two of you.

At the sexual level (intimacy scale Level 3):
Is there a particular sexual fantasy which you would like to try, but until now, you didn’t have the guts to tell your romantic partner?

Are there some behavioural patterns of your romantic partner that regularly annoy you during sex?
(Typical for straight sex: If the woman signals “I like what you’re doing right now” verbally (“Yes!”, “Right there”, “Keep going”) or non-verbally (moaning, pleasure noises), the man suddenly changes his moves or rhythm and puts the woman off from her momentarily good feelings)

If a woman tells or signals you signs of pleasure as a momentous reaction, she literally means that! Dear male sexual partner, so just don’t fucking change anything in your movement or rhythm as a reaction!)

At Level 4 and 5:

  • Has your mutual lifestyle gotten boring lately?
  • Does your lifestyle mostly consist of everyday chores and you are missing quality time?
  • Would you like to pursue a mutual interest or a mutual hobby/project as a couple?
  • Would you like to get to know your romantic partner better and talk more about each other’s thoughts and feelings?

At Level 6:
Do you wish for more romantic quality time with one another, caresses, cuddling, positive feedback, and/or affectionate attention?

If there is an issue on either one or all of these levels, you need to talk about what is missing and do some relationship work in order to integrate the missing aspects into your romantic relationship.

If you are totally stuck and don’t know how to step out of mutual reproach any more, consider relationship coaching or marriage consultation. A few meetings can solve issues that previously seemed without prospect any more.

However, it would be a very bad idea to avoid psychological consultation until the culmination point “Either consultation or we will separate”. Romantic relationships at this point are usually so wrecked that even very experienced marriage consulters will only be able to guide you through a separation process with the smallest amount of mutual emotional damage possible.

If you don’t have any issues at the intimacy Levels 3, 4, 5 and 6 or if you have successfully challenged a pre-existing issue together, you can start inviting other people into your sex life and pursuing your sexual fantasies in real life.

How does a sexually open relationship work? – Part 2/4: Monogamy is no solution!

I advocate for the disposal of the terms monogamy and being monogamous. Instead, I replace them with newly engineered, functioning definitions in order to describe whether individuals within a romantic relationship pursue sexual and/or romantic wishes towards other people.

In Sex and Love: The big difference, I have already explained how to separate sexual desires and activities from romantic (also: amorous) wishes and activities.

As a consequence, I suggest the following new nomenclature for any romantic relationship:

At the sexual level: sexually closed or sexually open
At the romantic level: romantically closed or romantically open

Since a (stable) romantic relationship is always about the romantic level as well as the sexual level, four possible combinations result out of these four terms:

  1. Romantically closed and sexually closed
  2. Romantically closed and sexually open
  3. Romantically open and sexually open
  4. Romantically open and sexually closed

 

  1. Romantically closed and sexually closed (to replace monogamous in its most frequent meaning):

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities only among themselves. Also, they are the only sexual partners to each other at the same time.

If the patriarchal construct of monogamy is not active (!), and both/all individuals really don’t desire sexual activities with other individuals, temporarily or in principle, this condition will be stable.

If, however, the patriarchal construct of monogamy is active, the condition will be unstable.

  1. Romantically closed and sexually open:

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities only among themselves. However, they also pursue sexual activities pertained to the sexual level with other suitable individuals (= swinging). As it stands, this condition will be stable.

The next two conditions occur in romantically open romantic relationships. Here are a few facts about them:

Romantically open means that people in a once romantically closed romantic relationship are interested in adding one/several further romantic relationships to their mutual life in order to establish a polyamorous lifestyle. To achieve this goal, they carry out romantic activities with one or several suitable individual(s).

This condition is unstable from the beginning: Since further people are welcome at the romantic level in principle, there is a constant risk that the mutual intimacy (which needs resources such as time and personal energy) within the pre-existing couple or pre-existing polycule will be diminished.

If the individuals are successful in establishing polyamory, the condition must be changed to romantically closed again, in order to keep the newly founded polycule stable. If the pre-existing couple doesn’t meet a suitable individual and decides to return to a romantically closed form, a stable condition can rise up once again, too.

  1. Romantically open and sexually open:

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities among themselves and also with one or several other individual(s) (= dating). In addition, sexual activities without romantic activities are also pursued with other suitable individuals (= swinging). Due to the condition romantically open, this condition will be unstable.

  1. Romantically open and sexually closed:

Individuals within a romantic relationship carry out sensual and romantic activities among themselves and also with one or several other individual(s) (= dating). Sexual activities without romantic activities (= swinging) don’t take place. Due to the condition romantically open, this condition will be unstable

The combination of romantically open and sexually closed is perfect soil for the patriarchal construct of polyamory: The valve at the sexual level is turned off, the valve at the romantic level however is wide open. Thus the suppressed forces of the sexual level can flow through a secondarily motivated romantic level far more easily than in the patriarchal mainstream. The consequence is the dynamics of serial monogamy, which now appears as serial-parallel crushes. This behaviour makes no sense at all since it fuels unhealthy dynamics which lead to chronically unstable romantic relationships on a short-term, separations on a medium-term, and mental health problems on a long-term basis.

If a romantic relationship is planned to be romantically open, I recommend out of my personal experience to establish it along with sexually open. By doing so, secondarily motivated crushes in order to have sex with specific individuals can be avoided which enables the individuals to manoeuver through the complex processes and conflicts of a romantically open condition with as little interference as possible.

How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 3/4: Real Life

You have talked a lot about your sexual fantasies, interests other than sex that make you special as a couple, your desires as well as your fears. You have told your sexual fantasies to each other while having sex and in doing so, you both were able to spice up your sex life as a couple. Now you would like to pursue your sexual fantasies not only in the form of stories, but also in real life:

Look for “swinging” on the internet
Read evaluations of different swinger clubs on independent websites
Look for “code of conduct”, “recommended behaviour” or the like on websites of swinger clubs and locations with erotic events. If a location’s website does not offer such guidelines, don’t go there, no matter how exciting the listed events seem to be. These locations can be confusing, for beginners in particular, and navigating your interests will be hard to achieve. Even experienced swingers tend to avoid these locations.

Visit a swinger club with good evaluations together, and watch how the people there interact with one another. Talk to the people or couples present who seem to be nice people at first impression.

The basic rules are the following:

Everything can happen, but nothing is bound to happen!
No means No!
Perhaps also means No! (for now – but you can ask me a second time later)

Connect with experienced swingers, and if they are really nice, ask them for advice how to communicate and navigate in a swinger space.

Unfortunately, even in swinger clubs you can come across unpleasant, rude or even sexually offensive people (mostly men) who act in the way of rape culture. If you have been the target of offensive behaviour or if you have witnessed a possible offence, tell the club’s personnel at once, since they are responsible to remove offenders from the club immediately! If the personnel does not respond or is unable to cope, leave the club and put your (negative) evaluation of this particular club on the internet.

If you have found attractive people – in a club or on a swinger website on the internet – first check with each other if this couple/these people are really ok for both of you. Then meet at a swingers club for a drink and talk about your sexual wishes openly.

Beginners or inexperienced swingers tend to talk a lot about their working life or other unrelated topics before they mention their sexual wishes. This is an indication for nervousness and the patriarchal imprint that a merely sexual impulse without any “higher” attraction would be demeaning towards all persons involved.

This is a part of the patriarchal construct about the social role “woman”, as well as all patriarchal constructs derived from it (patriarchal monogamy and polyamory). Therefore, this belief is bullshit.

Stay friendly and directly suggest desired sexual situations to the other person(s). Most of them who are too nervous to address their desires directly are relieved if somebody else breaks the ice.

Examples:

  • “I would really like it, if you …”
  • “Can I touch your breasts?”
  • “I would like to give you a handjob.”
  • “Would you like to fuck me?”

When the other person(s) are not able to give you a straight answer, but seem to be choked, pissed or socially awkward despite the fact that you were friendly and polite, they are probably in conflict with themselves or as a couple.
If they respond with no, that means no.
In both cases the same reaction is valid: Say good bye politely and seek other attractive people for your casual sex wishes.

As soon as consent has been verbally covered, just as much can happen via nonverbal communication: Someone starts to touch you at the thigh and if you show a positive response, goes on to your genitals. If you show a rejecting reaction, he/she stops and suggests something else or leaves.

So it is finally happening:

You have found suitable persons, who, in principle, share your sexual fantasies. You have occupied a comfortable place in the swinger club.
Now it is essential to clearly communicate individual wishes and boundaries before and during sexual activities:

  • “I would like the following: …”
  • “I would like to do … with you”
  • “This doesn’t feel good at the moment, can we do … instead?”

These recommendations concern the sexual level (= intimacy scale’s Level 3). As already described further above, romantic activities (kissing, smooching, cuddling, caressing) should only take place in this setting between you as romantic partners, NOT between one of you and a casual sex partner.

If, during a sexual situation, negative feelings arise between you as a couple, rather stop the sexual activity instead of ignoring your feelings – since this does never work.

Signalize participating persons that you need some time to talk as a couple. Sit in a corner or go outside where you can talk with one another without getting interrupted or overheard.

Look at the situation and inside you and seach for what has triggered the negative feelings or if something is not ok about the situation in general. Sometimes, one romantic partner just needs to be reassured of the other’s love and romantic feelings by kissing, a long hug or some affectionate words before you can go back into the sexual situation. Sometimes, however, a deeper issue has come to the surface, which cannot be solved by the means of a short discussion. In this case, leaving the club is a better idea. Discuss the issue with each other as soon as you have taken some time for relationship work.

How does a sexually open relationship work? – part 4/4: Typical problems in straight romantic relationships

As you will find out, just sharing sexual fantasies can have different consequences than actually pursuing them in real life. Some of these discoveries can come really unexpected when experienced for the first time. In a straight relationship, the following issue is quite common:

The woman has heterosexual fantasies with other men:
For example, she fantasizes about giving her boyfriend/husband and one of his male friends hand jobs at the same time or she desires to get fucked by both or more men in a row (gangbang). While erotic stories about it were still ok to her boyfriend/husband (or he secretly didn’t take them seriously), all of a sudden these are a big emotional issue for him in real life:

The fact that “his” girlfriend/wife has fun with another cock is suddenly “weird”, “too much to cope” or “a total turn-down”.

At the same time, he thinks that a threesome with another woman and his girlfriend/wife is a much desired scenario to pursue in real life – but only if any kind of sex with another man is out of the question. This attitude is called Cockblocking.

Cockblocking sounds familiar because of your personal experiences or stories from other people you have come across?
Here is an open letter in the name of all women, who have encountered a man with this attitude once or for whom it is still an issue with their current male romantic partner:

Dear boyfriend/husband!
You would like to have a threesome together with another woman, but you have a problem if your girlfriend/wife desires to have sex with another man?

Sure, your ideal conception is that your girlfriend/wife is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily. However, she should only ever be this active when your cock is concerned, not towards other men or other cocks. Ideally, she shouldn’t even notice them and react as if they were an extremely boring topic to her.

That’s exactly your opinion? Then let me give you some sex education:

The sexual level, thus sexuality as such, works in the following way:
If sexual fantasies can be pursued in a romantic relationship AS WELL AS casually, one’s sexual level is unlocked: Then your girlfriend/wife can just enjoy her desires and her pleasure fulfilling them. As a consequence, your girlfriend/wife is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily.

If you force or coerce your girlfriend/wife into always denying herself an important part of her sex life (= casual sex involving other cocks) in a way as if this part didn’t exist at all, her pleasure when having sex with you will go down the drain as well. As a consequence, your girlfriend/wife will disapprove of any kind of new sexual fantasies you would like to pursue with her. Over time, she will consider sex with you “boring”, “not worth it” or “annoying”. She will only participate if you offer her special gifts or if your constant need for sex gets too annoying for her than actually doing it with you. If this dynamic continues, she will develop a lot of (eventually subconscious) anger towards you: You are treating her like a sex toy after all, which you can put back into the drawer after use – not like another human being with equal rights (and desires!).

Now there are 4 possibilities how your girlfriend/wife can respond to your attitude:

  1. A self-confident woman will argue with you and confront you on the issue. If you are ready to reconsider your attitude and to accept equal rights in the matter, you can start to pursue a sexually open romantic relationship which is committed, loving and stable, while having really good sex at the same time.
  2. If you are not willing to reconsider your attitude she will end the romantic relationship after some time in order to seek a male romantic partner who will take her and her sexual desires seriously.
  3. A less self-confident woman (who is a coward as a consequence) will satisfy her sexual desires behind your back and will cheat on you.
  4. And a woman whose self-confidence has been injured or completely taken away in the past will do as you tell her, but – as a result – will suppress her own sexual desire until she is not really interested in having sex with you any more. Additionally, she will start dreadful arguments and quarrels with you over little things, as her (subconscious) anger towards you accumulates inside her and will spontaneously unleash on a regular basis (“being married to a dragon”).

I am a man and my girlfriend/wife is acting like point 3 or 4?

Look inside yourself and try to discover the real reason why you can’t stand that your girlfriend/wife would like to have sex with other cocks than your own as well. In the following text, there are some possible fears along with a recommendation how to solve them. Pick out the one which seems right for you.

Are you worried that your girlfriend/wife will leave you, should she find a sex partner more capable in bed than you?

The patriarchal construct of the social role “man” suppresses everything except sex in a romantic relationship: You have a girlfriend/wife in order to have regular sex, instead of being an unsatisfied single. But here is the thing: You are still having sexual fantasies about a threesome or sex with another woman, right? Meaning, you are aware of the fact that you can share the sexual level with other persons than your romantic partner. Thus, your romantic partner is nothing special then, is she?
Oh, but she IS special to you?

That’s because the romantic level which you suppress when you are in the patriarchal social role “man”, actually defines your romantic relationship. If you have an intact and stable romantic level as a couple, your girlfriend/wife will not leave you if she comes across a casual sex partner who has a special feature in bed. In fact, she is sharing a level and feelings with you which only you can offer her – and not some random man to whom a body she enjoys having sex with belongs to.

However, if you don’t share a stable romantic level with each other (any more), seeking a sexually open relationship is dangerous. If this is the case, both of you have to (re-)establish a stable mutual romantic level, in difficult cases by means of couple therapy or marriage consultation. Since a stable and working romantic level is the absolutely necessary fundament of a sexually open romantic relationship.

Did your parents/your relatives/your community/your friends/other people who you are close to tell you that you are not “man enough”, if your girlfriend/wife desires having sex with other men than you?

If some of these people have put up rules for you on how to live your life and especially your sex life, there is only one solution: Screw them!

Only your romantic partner has the right to co-determine your sex life. All other persons you have sex with do also have a say but only as far as the principle of consent and respect is concerned. If any persons supposedly close to you don’t care if you are unhappy as long as you keep to their rules, instead of encouraging you in your pursuit of happiness, these people are best kicked out of your life immediately. If this is not possible due to dependence (support with children, etc.), give them only information which they can’t use against you when asked. If they drop remarks or unwanted questions about your sex life, tell them loud and clear that they have overstepped your boundaries and don’t give a fuck whether somebody is “insulted” by such clarifying behaviour. They are in no way entitled to ignore your boundaries or to complain about your behaviour if you defend them.

Did you try a sexually open romantic relationship once before and your ex did leave you as a result?

Experiences with former romantic relationships will always influence your current romantic relationship. Keep in mind, however, that your ex is another person than your current girlfriend/wife. Ask her about her wishes and feelings instead of assuming that she will have the same wishes and treat you exactly like your ex.

Are you worried that another man will sneer or laugh at you, or will try to make a move on your girlfriend/wife?

If you invite another man to have sex with your girlfriend/wife, and his main interest is to put you down or to make a move on her by the means of microaggressions or open disrespect you have an opportunity to stand your man: Kick him out immediately. Perhaps your girlfriend/wife did not notice these manoeuvres and has an argument with you about them. Explain and describe to her why you kicked him out and then you can decide together which characteristics are an absolute must in order to invite another man at another time.

I am a man and I think this is all bullshit. I just don’t want my girlfriend/wife to have (or to fantasize about) sex with other men.

It is perfectly ok to have this opinion. But you have to live with its consequences then: Then you will never have a female romantic partner who is open-minded to anything sexual, super interested in new sexual experiences and gets turned on easily (and who would take part, enthusiastically, in e.g. a threesome with another woman). In that case seek for a girlfriend/wife who is not very into sex from the beginning, close-minded enough for you and who is content with it as it stands. You will both encounter only few conflicts on the matter, but you will have a boring sex life.

Should you, however, then start whining about the fact that your romantic partner does only very rarely desire sex or that sex with her is too boring, this would be infantile behaviour. It’s like being the guy who bought a can of beer and is whining afterwards that the can doesn’t contain any liquor. If you cannot deal with a sexually powerful and reflected woman, because you are not sexually powerful and reflected enough, and you are too much of a coward to do something about this attitude, stop wishing for having such a woman as your girlfriend/wife.