Better sex – Part 2/4: Organic chemistry

Each human individual has other sexual preferences which is why general principles for “good sex” cannot easily be defined. While the fact stands that no two human individuals have the same sexual preferences in equal proportions, it is possible to observe some basics of how a vulva or a penis move and react during sexual arousal and intercourse and what, therefore, constitutes enjoyable sex. Since the vast majority of present human societies are built on the patriarchy which suppresses female sexual desire substantially and far more than male desire (patriarchal suppression in men suppresses their romantic level and thus their empathy), the following recommendations will emphasize the sexual function of female genitals.

Each body that is feeling sexual desire and arousal automatically contracts the muscles around the genital area. When people masturbate or engage in sexual activities, many describe these contractions as sudden movements over the whole body, which they find difficult to repress. In a female body with a vulva this behaviour presents itself in the following way: If a dildo, a finger or a penis are put into the vagina and moved back and forth, and the respective woman likes being penetrated in this way, she unconsciously pulls together the muscles around the vagina and relaxes them again. The stronger this movement is, the more aroused the woman will feel, until these contractions are strongest during the female orgasm.

During all straight sexual activities, especially penis-in-vagina intercourse, said muscle movements are not only producing pleasure for the woman, however, they also massage the penis which is inside the vagina, between the muscles. This is usually just as pleasurable for the man. Concerning fucking, this means for a man: The more pleasure the woman feels, the more his penis will get massaged and the more pleasure he, also, will feel. We can therefore safely conclude that a man who considers the desire of the woman he is having sex with “too much work” actually behaves stupidly even from an egocentric perspective: He rids himself of a pleasurable penis massage.

These body workings are directly transferable to same-sex sexual activities: During lesbian intercourse, be it with fingers, tongue or a dildo, the muscle movements are pleasurable to the receiving as well as the giving woman who is able to feel directly how the other woman is enjoying her actions. The muscles around the anus move exactly like the ones around the vulva (in a female and in a male body). During gay anal intercourse which is pleasurable to the receiving man, his muscle movements massage the penis of the giving man just as well.

Better sex – Part 3/4: How to really pleasure a woman (for men)

Many straight or bisexual women who are in a straight relationship complain about the following:

“When my boyfriend/husband is inside me during sex, it feels as if he is just poking around. His movements are not unpleasant, but the sex is not exciting. I rarely / never reach orgasm with the help of penetration. Other techniques, however, such as masturbation / cunnilingus, seem to do the trick much better.”

A man who is “poking around” is giving most women the impression that he is choosing his movements randomly or to only follow his own desire. Far from this, the man’s ineptitude is most often a consequence of the fact that he is inexperienced with sexual intercourse. He either has had sex just a few times yet, or he had his past sexual experiences and/or former relationship(s) with women who were just as inexperienced and could not provide him guidance on how to do better.

As I have observed, the man is not as clumsy by nature but unconsciously follows a logical path. Actually, it is very few men who do not care at all whether they are giving the woman sexual pleasure. The reason is instead rooted in behavioural rules of the social role “man” which most men get instilled by education, starting at birth. A false belief of the social role “man” states: “More is always better.”

Among other things, it also affects the male sex life where it is the origin of the obsession and the inferiority complex that many men feel about their penis’ size (“Bigger is always better”). For women, the extent of such concerns is often completely incomprehensible, either because they have been educated in the social role “woman” and thus without such a belief, or because, as owner of a vagina, they know from their own experience that a penis too big can complicate sexual intercourse or even cause them pain. As a consequence, the latter will see the man with the biggest penis as an interesting erotic experiment maybe, but will prefer a man with a comfortable or more practical penis size for a long-term sexual involvement or a romantic relationship.

During all straight sexual activities, especially penis-in-vagina intercourse – but also cunnilingus, penetration with fingers or a dildo, and anal penetration – this belief leads to the following: The man thinks that the harder, faster or deeper he goes, the more the woman will enjoy the sex. This is the root of two behaviours that so many women complain about, so that, among women, they have become a cliché when they talk about sexual experiences:

  1. At the beginning of penetration, the man goes as deep as he can, followed by fast thrusts, thinking that the woman will find the most pleasure in a rocket start.
  2. If the woman is showing signs of sexual enjoyment, he increases his speed (further) or thrusts her even more deeply. If his movements were so good that she is undoubtedly enjoying them, then moving faster and deeper will give her even more pleasure.

Both techniques are, however, a misunderstanding: Most female bodies simply do not work in this way.

1. Rocket start

For a woman’s ability to experience pleasure out of movements in her vagina, two conditions must be met:

  • She must have a vaginal erection: Women, just like men, get erections when they are sufficiently relaxed and aroused. The clit and the tissue around the vagina swell and increase in size, and also become more sensitive. This is necessary because most people require their genitals being touched in a way that they enjoy, in order to present a useful erection.
  • She must be wet enough: Both the inside of her vagina and its entrance should offer a good glide.
Female erection

As long as the woman has a vaginal erection, each vagina, respectively the tissue around it, adapts to the length, diameter and form of an inserted penis, fingers or object. This is done by the body of every woman, without her consciously doing anything. The duration of this adaptation, however, differs by the individual – it can take a few seconds to some minutes. Both time spans are healthy and depend on the amount of inner tension the woman experiences. The deepest relaxation possible highly depends on whether the woman feels safe in the sexual situation (consent), and whether the man treats her politely (fairness)! If she has been offered too little time to adjust herself to the “filling”, or has not enjoyed the kind of touch (or the lack thereof) that she has received, the penetration chafes at yet unprepared areas, which the woman experiences as an uncomfortable feeling.

Wetness

Although every woman gets wet when she is sexually aroused, the amount of fluid differs by individual. Some get so wet the liquid starts running down their thighs, others produce only a few drops that become distinguishable only after the sexual intercourse has taken place. Both amounts are healthy and do not state anything about the kind of sexual intercourse she wants to have right now: A very wet woman does not necessarily desire hard fucking, and an apparently dry woman can be nevertheless especially horny. Best way to find out: Ask her. If she is among the women who become little wet by their own fluid – or if she just experiences a less wet day – use lubricant, spit, or other gliding products that are healthy for human membranes to provide the necessary wetness (water does not do the trick because it does not glide!). This gliding effect must be given everywhere inside the vagina and at its entrance, otherwise the penetration adheres to the too dry area which generates an uncomfortable feeling.

The first few movements inside the vagina therefore have the purpose to allow the woman’s body to adapt sufficiently and to distribute the liquid evenly over the parts of her vulva which are going to be penetrated.

If, however, the man begins to insert his penis with great depth or speed, for most women, the penetration does not fulfil the aim of giving her pleasant feelings, but a neutral, boring feeling or an even unpleasant chafing instead. This is rather not the ideal beginning of an enjoyable sex experience. For a sensitive woman or one who has overcome a genital infection shortly before (like a bladder infection), this technique can even feel mainly painful and terminate her interest in further sexual interaction immediately.

2. Going faster is not necessarily better

For a woman (or any receiving sex partner) to feel any sexual pleasure, she must allow to “get moved”, meaning to swing along to his movements. If she is showing signs of pleasure, it means that she is swinging well – she enjoys the man’s movements, just how they are right now. If the man is changing his movements at this point, he is also changing the pattern the woman has adapted to, which causes her feelings of pleasure to drop or disappear suddenly. The woman will need some time to adjust herself to the changed pattern. But, as soon as she is relaxed sufficiently to enjoy the new pattern and shows signs of pleasure again, the man tries again to speed up his movements, etc.

While it would be simple to observe this linear dynamic and change it, the situation is more complicated. No man is able to speed up his movements consistently like a fucking-machine. A man who is constantly trying to fuck harder, will therefore slow down his movements suddenly and then speed them up again, either because the fast thrusts exhaust him or excite him too much so that he will reach (or has already reached) orgasm too soon. This leads to total confusion of the woman. Every time she is relaxed enough and feels pleasure, the feeling drops suddenly. Furthermore, the man does not only move abruptly faster, but also abruptly slows down, in a seemingly random order, and as a consequence, she does not know what to expect next and how to adjust herself. As a result, this leaves the woman in need to concentrate excessively to feel constant pleasure during sexual intercourse, or she gives up and does not react to the man’s movements (any more), just waiting for him to reach orgasm since the concentration exercise is (or has become) too exhausting compared to its pleasure gain.

As a man, you can stop this dynamic by doing the following:

No matter how urgently you desire to fuck her hard – always begin the penetration half as deeply and half as fast as you would like it right now. Alternatively, you can use your fingers to slowly (!) touch her vulva and the inside of her vagina, in order to relax her and make her wet before you use your penis. If you wish to increase depth and/or speed, as a rule of thumb, do it after the fifth thrust at the earliest. Exception: She tells you directly that she would like it deeper or faster.

If the woman starts showing signs of pleasure after this initial phase, meaning she is suddenly breathing more deeply, moaning, sighing or articulating affirmative sounds such as “Yes!”, continue your movements exactly as they are right now. It is by the way not relevant whether you fuck her fast or slowly – the important part is to keep the rhythm the same! Hence select a sufficiently comfortable position where you can apply depth and speed in such a way that you can carry on longer than a few seconds, without having to change your pattern.

Change depth and speed only if one of the following happens:

  • She tells you directly that she likes it better faster or more slowly, more deeply or less deeply.
  • You find that you do not gain sufficient pleasure from your own movements.
  • You happen to lie/sit/stand uncomfortably and would like to change into a more comfortable position.

If you cannot tell whether your woman is (still) enjoying the sex (you cannot tell whether she has dozed off, is thinking about the grocery list, is watching the television running nearby, or is indeed enjoying the sex with you, but very quietly), ask her to tell or show you what feels good for her. If she does not like to show loud signs of pleasure, such as moaning, she can say simply articulate “Yes!” as soon as one of your movements causes her sexual pleasure.

It is important to know that male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, while female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. If the woman experiences something as rather neutral this does not mean that she does not enjoy the overall sex – the next pleasure wave may already be on its way and kick in mere seconds later. If she, however, signalizes that something feels neutral and does not get better over half of a minute – or shows any reaction that you do not understand – pause your movements, and ask her what she wishes for you to do right now. If she is not able to tell you because she does not know for sure either, encourage her to experiment a little with her body. If she is self-confident, she will begin to experiment by herself, without you asking her.

Give her some time and space: She will not (be able to) find the perfect position immediately, and may have to readjust the position of her arms, legs or pelvis several times, before she wants to continue the sexual stimulation. She may even request you to continue your movements, only to signalize shortly afterwards that she needs a pause again because the position does not feel as good as she has thought. The following solutions are frequent:

  • To shift the position slightly.
  • To apply or reapply additional wetness.
  • To change the speed.
  • To change the depth or …
  • To change entirely into another sex position.

All these behaviours are healthy and form an essential part of good sex since they make it possible to find the best conditions under which all participants can equally get sexual pleasure . Do not ask her immediately after the change, whether she finds it better – she cannot know that so quickly, as her body must first adjust itself to the new conditions. Just continue: If the change was a good idea, you will recognise that by her renewed signs of pleasure. If you are unsure, you can ask her of course – however, as said before, with some time delay.

Be careful, should you find out that you find the results of her experimentation not so attractive at some point. She was raised in the social role “woman”, which means that she has been devalued for her sexual desires and initiative by the majority of her social environment, for her whole life. To feel her body and sexuality and, especially, to experiment with that, with you watching, already required quite some courage. If you get impatient, nervous or derogatory about her experimentation now and show it openly or comment accordingly (“You look strange”, “Bah, what are you doing now?!”, “Are you a slut, or what?”, etc.), can effectually mean that:

  • She won’t have any further sexual intercourse with you.
  • Annoyed, she confronts your irreverent behaviour.
  • She subconsciously drops back into her conditioned role, and it takes weeks or months of boring or no sex at all until she trusts you again sufficiently in order to resume your quest for good sexual intercourse.

The best strategy might be to simply watch her experimentation without comment while being helpful (by adjusting cushions, handing lubricant or sex toys, etc.). If you notice that you become impatient, relax with the thought that your sex will not always be like that, but that she is finding techniques right now which she will be able to apply much faster in a few months, because she is developing a better feeling for her own body, her sexual desires, and you as sex partner. What you can and even should communicate, are compliments, or if what she is doing becomes physically unpleasant for you.

On first sight a sexually inexperienced woman, who would like to enjoy sexual intercourse with you, but simply does not know how yet, is difficult to differentiate from an intentionally ignorant woman, who has no interest in mutual lustful encounters, but uses sexual intercourse as a sort of currency instead, in order to extort from you romantic attention, gifts or financial support (“wants to be a kept woman”). The application of all of these measures makes it possible for you to recognize – doubtlessly – which of these two types you have before you presently. You are probably facing an intentionally ignorant woman, if she:

  • Does not react to your requests to communicate what she finds good or not so good – both during sex, and in discussions thereafter.
  • Claims that she would like to be more interactive during sex, but then freezes and does nothing, and never addresses the topic by herself again.
  • Reacts aggressively if you take a break during sex, or ask her what she enjoys and wants you to do.
  • Tells you that your discussion attempts would be “unnerving” or “immature”, and that “a real man” would know what she wants without asking – or, that past sex partners would have known it all by themselves.

Should she show one of these reactions, best break off sex and demand fair behaviour. If she is just insecure, and inquires what’s going on, she has probably reacted destructively as a pre-emptive strike because she hastily assumed that you will devalue her like many other men before you, as soon as she honestly shows her pleasure. In this case be very friendly to her and ensure her that you will treat her fair and with empathy. Should she, however, show no willingness to learn and tries to produce instead, get up and out, even if the sex partner is your girlfriend or wife. Better an open conflict, after which you might have better sex when she has really listened, than lifelong bad sex.

Better sex – Part 4/4: How to enjoy sex with a man (for women)

Many straight or bisexual men in a straight relationship complain about the following issue:

“I am afraid that my girlfriend/wife doesn’t enjoy sex the way I do. During, she usually seems quite disinterested which makes sex less and less fun for me, too. Afterwards, it is – almost always – me who has to initiate the next time, apparently she doesn’t miss it if it doesn’t happen.”

A woman, who shows only few or no desire signals during sex, indicates to her man that does not find him sexually interesting. The fact that the woman cooperates so little, however, nearly always happens because she is sexually inexperienced. Either she has not had sex very often yet, or her former sex encounters and/or romantic relationships happened with men who were likewise inexperienced and could not show her something that she found sexually pleasing.

Many women, however, without noticing it, play their part in keeping sex lukewarm or unsatisfactory indefinitely: Most women actually do find their buddy / boyfriend / husband sexually interesting. The reason of their indifference is based on wrong expectations: The codes of behaviour of the role “woman” on which a girl’s education is based from an early age onwards, require them to have no sexual desires of their own. As a consequence, most women learn as children or teenagers to subconsciously suppress any such feelings and “to be a good girl” in order to avoid constant negative reactions (also termed slutshaming) from their social environment. Subsequently, they no longer feel their own sexual arousal and experiment less with their body and their sexual fantasies than most boys and men. This causes most women to achieve a good knowledge of their sexual preferences only in their thirties or later, including issues which have become clear to most men since the beginning of their puberty, as for instance, which kind of touch within their genital range is pleasant and which is not.

This is why a woman does not communicate her sexual wishes in straight sex encounters – either because she does not know these herself, or because she fears – in hasty prejudice or from sorrowful experience – the guy might slutshame her for that. As a result, the same woman expects from her buddy / boyfriend / husband that he helps her to discover her sexuality, because he – apparently – seems to have more sexual experience. The prejudice is not entirely wrong – being educated in the role “man” has left his sexuality mostly intact – however, he has only assembled more sexual experience with his own body and anatomy. With a female body he is, in all probability, much more clueless than the woman herself.

Unfortunately, the woman often reacts destructively to this realization: She is disappointed that her guy cannot fulfil her expectations. Therefore she “lets the sex happen” passively, or pretends to have signals of lust or even an orgasm in order to “get it over with”. Secretly, of course, she will be angry about the guy and project her rage onto other activities of their relationship. The man must get along with their shared sexuality without information on the part of his woman, or with scraps of (often incorrect) knowledge from porn, which naturally guarantees a future of (more) bad sex.

As a woman you can leave this destructive spiral as follows:

Do not expect from your male counterpart that he is better versed with a (for him) unknown, female body than you, who has been living in such a body for all your life. You always perceive best what does feel pleasant or not, therefore it is also your responsibility to communicate these perceptions and wishes. Thus – say something, if you find his movements too firm, too gentle, too quick, too slow, too deep or not deep enough. It is important that you do that verbally, with words! Your buddy / boyfriend / husband will not notice different volumes of moaning or sounds of breath, or if he does, he won’t understand correctly what they mean, if you did not provide a translation to him before. If you do not yet know what makes you horny yourself – no problem: You can – by recalling the things which do not feel good – slowly discover, what remains and does feel good. Be it from inexperience or because you are trying out something new – take your time in order to find your optimal conditions:

  • Position your arms, hands, and legs until everything lies comfortably.
  • Place yourself on cushions or rolled up covers with your head, back, belly or pelvis.
  • Sit or kneel in a way that your feet are balanced.
  • Support your feet with a table, a stool or the wall.
  • Ask your guy to hold your legs, or put them onto his shoulders.

Experiment with the possibilities any time something feels uncomfortable. Ask your guy for a short break in his movements, or that he should let you more freedom of movement. Briefly explain to him, however, what you are intending (“Wait a moment, I must reposition myself” / “I need … etc.”), so that you are on the same page, and that he can, if necessary, help you with it (handing you something, adjust the cushions, etc.).

Don’t get stressed: It is entirely healthy that your body might need a few seconds to adjust itself after a change to new conditions to be able to continue feeling lust and desire again. After each change, wait a little in order to realize whether the situation already fits. If not, you can try out the next change. Everything is allowed that feels good for both of you. The more frequently you have sex, and play this trial-and-error game, the faster you will find out which positions are pleasant to you, and the faster you will be able to adjust yourself to them next time.

Since the female main sexual organ is not the vagina, but the clitoris, find out how you can stimulate your clitoris well, while your guy adds other stimulation (fucks you into your vagina, pleasures you orally, fingers you or stimulates your anus). Some women can do clitoris stimulation best with their hands, others have more fun with a vibrator. In any case try different vibrators, with varying strengths or patterns of vibration (continuously soft, continuously strong, rhythmically changing etc.), in order to find out with which you can have the easiest orgasm. Don’t aim at having the best orgasm possible, this will only put you under pressure and diminish the intensity of your lust and orgasm as a result. Keep in mind the basic principle of engineering instead: First make it work, then make it work better.

It is important to know that male desire comes in an unbroken exponential curve, while female desire moves in waves becoming larger over time. If something feels rather lukewarm for a few seconds, don’t worry – the next wave of desire is, in all probability, already on its way. If, however, something feels lukewarm for longer than half of a minute and doesn’t become better, ask your guy for a break. Depending on how you feel, you can try the following solutions:

  • Slightly shift your position.
  • Use or add more lubricant.
  • Suggest to change speed.
  • Suggest to change depth.
  • Or change into another position.

A gentleman will be considerate and take his time with your wishes and your experimentation, perhaps attempt to help with careful proposals. If a sex encounter or a new variant did not work out as you imagined do try it again – possibly with altered conditions, which might make it work better this time (more time, another place, with the help of sex toys or lubricant etc.). Men, due to their conditioned role “man”, can easily come to the conclusion that they must always perfectly “man up” with a woman, even if they are with a woman like you to whom that does not apply. By unmistakably asking for a next time he knows that you still find him attractive, and you both have the chance for a further attempt, which you can enjoy without stress.

At first sight, a sexually inexperienced man who wants to make you enjoy yourself, but simply does not know how yet, is difficult to tell apart from an intentionally ignorant man, who doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure and who is only out for his own satisfaction. The application of all of these measures makes it possible for you to recognize doubtlessly which of these two types you have encountered. For this reason, it is a very bad idea to pretend to have signals of lust or to fake an orgasm. With an inexperienced man this is an ineffective strategy: He will then remember how he “got you off”, which, in reality, was no fun at all, and will repeat exactly these techniques the next time you have sex. And with an intentionally ignorant man it is as if you praised a dog for shitting on the carpet: He will think that his lack of interest is sufficient and might behave even more inconsiderate next time.

You have encountered an intentionally ignorant man, if he:

  • Does not react to your feedback.
  • Agrees, but then continues without changes.
  • If he tries to persuade you to already discussed unwanted contact or varieties: “Don’t be so complicated …”
  • If he just continues unwanted contact or varieties although you have already stated on multiple occasions that they are not pleasant for you.

Should he bring one of these reactions along, best stop the sex and demand fair play. If he is just insecure, and asks what this is about, explain to him clearly and without offending him, what you wish him to do. Should he, however, show no willingness to learn and prattles instead, get up and out, even if he is your boyfriend or husband. Better an open conflict, after, when he has really listened, you might have better sex than lifelong bad sex.

Small medical excursion

If you feel pain during sex (for example, itching, burning or stinging), this is a clear indication of your body that you have an infection in or on your genitals. Let a doctor look into it. If your doctor states after the first check-up that your problem would be “psychological”, change the doctor! “Psychological” is specialist speech for “I have no idea what causes the problem, but I cannot admit that”. Pain during sex actually can have psychological causes, like subconscious fears or past traumatic experiences, these can, however, only be recognized beyond reasonable doubt if all physical causes have either been eliminated or were successfully treated.

No doctor can correctly diagnose a genital infection or even psychosomatic problem on first guess! A professional doctor assumes several different illnesses, and tells you to go to other institutes (a specialised laboratory, other doctors) for further tests before settling on a diagnosis. They will also suggest different drugs to treat the condition, including alternative medicine. A little-known but not rare gynaecological problem, by the way, is vulvodynia, pain either in the vagina and/or outside at the entrance of the vagina without a current infection. Vulvodynia can occur as a consequence of repeated past infections with bacteria or fungi, or as a symptom of a current infection with HPV.